The Cinema Blues; An Open Letter to A.O.Scott

by Greg Olear

The Times film critic A.O. Scott wrote an existential lamentation in last week’s Sunday edition.  The complaint?  If critics warn audiences off crappy blockbusters like “The DaVinci Code” and “Dead Man’s Chest”—the latter shattered the record for biggest opening weekend take in movie history—why do they persist in seeing them?  Here is my letter to A.O. in reply:

 What you want to know, it seems, is why people willingly spend money to see movies they know suck.  Let me explain.

 The geniuses who run the Hollywood studios—the same Einsteins who just last week realized that people who see movies in the theater and people who buy movies on DVD are often, say it ain’t so, the same people!—have it in their thick skulls that audiences will only see “serious” films in the month between Thanksgiving in Christmas, otherwise known as the busiest month of the year.  They then release all the good stuff in one swoop, ensuring that even the most dedicated filmhead can’t see them all, and then conclude, idiotically, that the public has no appetite for “serious” film.

 This is followed by six weeks of complete crap; if it opens in January or February, it blows, as any movie buff well knows.  Nothing is worse, nothing, than a lousy “serious” film.  So, by the time June rolls around, we moviegoers are starved for entertainment.  And while we know “Dead Man’s Chest” will not be “Citizen Kane”—or even “Raiders of the Lost Ark” or “North by Northwest” or “The Incredibles”—we also know it will be better than the January-June offerings.  Johnny Depp’s funny, Keira Knightley’s hot, the kids won’t hate it—great!  Let’s go! 

I didn’t see “Dead Man’s Chest” and have no wish to.  I did see “The DaVinci Code,” however, which I refer to as “The DaVinci Co(mmo)de.”  I saw this knowing that it was bad, and having read the putrescently lousy book on which it was based, hoping against hope that the screenwriters would have drawn blood from a stone, as happened with “The Firm.”  Unfortunately, one Akiva Goldsman penned the script; he is to the screenplay, alas, what Dan Brown is to the novel. 

Why did we see this?  Because—and here’s something else you forget, you spoiled one, living in New York—there was nothing else playing.  We have a baby, and a small time window.  Whatever’s in the local cinema, that’s what we see.  We saw “Date Movie”, for God sake.  “Date Movie”! 

The only solace to be found in this system, where we are starved by idiots at the studios and distributors at the cinema, is the snarky review of the tripe written by you, or Elvis Mitchell, or Anthony Lane at the New Yorker (Have you read his “DaVinci Code” piece?  Priceless).  That’s it.  So yes, you are doing a good job, and yes, you are necessary, and yes, you are in touch with what people think. 

 Also: You can’t judge a film by how much money it collects at the box office—there are way too many variables involved.  In fact, I wish they’d stop printing that information altogether; does anyone really give a shit that “Dead Man’s Chest” made more on opening day than any movie ever?  It’s not like they ever adjust for inflation when they make these heady pronouncements; “Gone With the Wind” is still untouchable, in terms of number of tickets sold.  If they did, the world might realize that their gaudy figures are just as full of sound and fury as their crappy films. 

In short, keep up the good work, and take heart!  We’re with you.

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