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 George
Bush Signs New Immigration Law:
A
Journalistic Parody Posted on 6-08-06
by
Kim Ellis
Washington, July 2006 (AP) – Today in a ceremony on the White House lawn,
President George W. Bush signed the new Immigration Law. “All Americans will be
proud to know that the integrity of the workforce and the language of our great
country is now assured,” stated President Bush. He then shook the hand of the
newly appointed head of the Immigration and Naturalization Service (INS), Henry
S. Warren, former director of Human Resources at Hellburden and Company.
The Immigration Law puts into immediate
enforcement regulations that make illegal aliens liable to be charged with a
felony and subject to imprisonment until deportation.
Jack Gardner, a border official stationed at
Tijuana, reported lines of cars six miles long waiting to cross over into
Mexico. “They’ve been coming since last night,” the man stated. “We can’t
check them through fast enough.”
A farmer in Watsonville, California, who wished
to remain anonymous, told reporters that he was short-handed. “I just put in
twenty-five acres of strawberry plants and this morning thirty-seven of my best
field hands were gone. What am I supposed to do now? Those plants are going to
dry up and die. I can’t run this farm with only seven men.”
In addition to delineating who is
a legal immigrant, the new Law recognizes English as the official language of
the United States.
In order to establish language standards,
President Bush announced the creation of a new government department: the
Academy of Standard Superior American Language and Literature (A.S.S.A.L.L) The
Academy will be governed by a board of directors. President Bush appointed Dr.
Marvin Stickler to the position of president of the new A.S.S.A.L.L board. Dr.
Stickler will be leaving his post as Professor Emeritus at Texas A and M to
assume the position.
After meeting with his committee, Dr. Stickler
held a press conference where he announced resolutions that will go into effect
immediately: 1) All holders of green cards or visitor visas aged 18 or older are
allowed one year to acquire English. They must take an examination to determine
their proficiency in Standard American English. Those who do not pass the exam
will be deported to their countries of origin. 2) All U.S. citizens employed by
the government or any agency receiving federal funds will be required to take an
oral English exam. Speakers of English whose accents are influenced too
strongly by their first language will be allowed two months of remedial oral
English courses and retested. Those who do not pass the second exam will be
terminated.
Dr. Arjun Gandarva, a resident physician at the
Veteran’s Administration Hospital in West Los Angeles, was one of several
government employees to participate in the pilot oral English exam. Dr.
Gandarva stated, “The pilot exam I have taken is most rigorous. After ten years
as a practicing physician in this country, I failed the examination. My family
and I are now making plans to return to India. I am sure we will be welcomed
there.”
Funding for A.S.S.A.L.L. will be taken from the
Department of Education’s Title I (Special Education) and Title III (English as
a Second Language) programs. Tests will be administered from 8 am to 10 am in
public school cafeterias throughout the country. The free breakfast programs
for needy children will be suspended to accommodate the testing. Further
information can be obtained by calling the nearest INS office.
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